Galaxina, We Loathed it

We expected Galaxina to be so bad it would be brilliant.  It turns out we were only half right.

Galaxina, on paper has all the classic ingredients of a Plopcorn film.   After all, following the attempts of a lonely space man trying to make a robot he’s fallen in love with into a woman sounds like some very cheesy bollocks indeed.  Add to the mix bad special effects and a former playboy bunny and we should have been onto a winner. It turns out we could not have been more wrong.

But let’s cut to the chase, Galaxina is awful.   Billed as a space action comedy, Galaxina is littered with puns and spoofy gags, yet it literally has nothing to laugh at.  It does evoke many other emotions, but non these are positive, and it is sadly lacking in any actual humour.  To make matters worse the production quality is absolutely shocking, looking and sounding like a youtube clip on a 56k Modem.  Galaxina’s problems don’t end there though. 

As mentioned, we’re told that the plot focuses on a lonely spaceman who falls in love with a robot and then attempts to make her into a real woman, a noble and romantic undertone and perhaps one that may appeal to the ladies.  What is actually going on though is an inept space police squad are sent on a mission to recover a powerful artifact called the Blue Star, some other things happen that are not really related, and an attractive robot upgrades herself so she can “put out” to a rapey spaceman.

Terrible and vague as this plot sounds it is still so full of holes you could drive an oil tanker through it.  For example, why send this ship to recover the Blue Star?  We’re told that it has no hyperdrive and will, therefore, take 27 years to reach the planet Altar. If this artefact is so powerful and represents such a danger to them then shouldn’t they send a ship that could get there in a couple of weeks, an option dismissed out of hand as this ship is closer!?

Then there are the characters, our protagonists, who in the main are just pointless garbage.  Our hero is Sgt, Thor, who is meant to the be handsome love interest but is quite frankly  a creepy, rapey bastard,   He’s accompanied by junior officer, Buzz who is dressed more appropriately for Broke Back Mountain than some space adventuring.  Finally we have Captain Cornelius Butts, our comedy sidekick, who is about as funny as herpes, despite his best attempts to rip of Oliver Hardy.

One character does stand out, the robot Galaxina (after which the film is named).  Galaxina is played by Dorothy Stratten ( former Playboy’s Playmate of the Year, and a celebrated guest-star on Buck Rogers in the 25th Century) and she has a sadness about her as she is silently forced serve the twats on the ship like a slave and then succumb to Sqt. Rapey’s advances. 

This feeling of sadness is enhanced when you hear that just a few months later Dorothy was murdered by her estranged husband.

Add to these frustrations the dire dialog, the piss poor puns and pointless plot developments you’ll soon see why this is such a God awful movie.  The whole thing is just a lazy, poorly made attempt at spoofing space movies. 

This film attempts to give us Space Balls but delivers, well,  just balls.  In our view we have seen shows created and performed by six year olds that make more sense, are funnier and better executed.  All this and we have not even mentioned the space brothel, the echo Alien or the Harley Davison Cultists, mainly because they are as pointless as the rest of the movie.

Ultimately Galaxina is a film that will literally make you ask why.  Yes, you will ask why about every bit of dialog, scene and plot development, leading you to the ultimate question, “why was this ever made and released?”

Jesus Titty dancing Christ it was bad