Galaxina, We Liked it
Galaxina is a 1980’s attempt to cash in on the Star Trek and Star Wars fans that were pouring into the cinema at the time to glut themselves on decent sci-fi movies. Bear in mind that we did enjoy a plethora of good films that year. The Empire Strikes Back, Flash Gordon, Battle Beyond the Stars and Saturn 3, all good to great films that were pushing the boundaries in what was achievable with a good story and great special effects.
And then there’s Galaxina, a film with neither.
We have a questionable cast, some really bad acting and more plot holes that Blackburn had pot holes back in the 60s but that doesn’t detract from its charm. If you watch it with an open mind and a cheeky grin on your face it becomes something more than just bad.
On paper the story of a bunch of lonely space cops that are sent on a mission that’s going to take 27 years to get to (as they don’t have any hyperdrive technology on their aging ship) seems all well and good especially as they are just coming to the end of their tour of service.
They are told they have travel to Altar 1 to collect a mystical artefact called the blue star (cue fanfare – more on this later) because they are the closest ship to it even though there are other ships that could possibly get there quicker with their hyperdrives.
A stupid idea which just smacks of the boss trying to get rid of the team just before their shift is about to end. As a means of recompense though as it’s lonely out there in space hunting down space criminals they are told they are all getting full pay for the 54 year round trip and special permission to go to a space brothel (hopefully paid for by the intergalactic tax payers) before they embark. This is just after our main character, Sgt Thor, has just professed his love for Galaxina.
Galaxina, our titular character is a robot that can’t speak, feels emotions and is generally used as a means for controlling the ship. The fact she looks hot (by 80s standards) probably only serves to wind the crew up whilst they are on duty and it’s no wonder that Thor does fall in love with her.
The problem he has though is that when he tries to kiss her she electrocutes him, an inbuilt safety device. Now it could be construed as ‘a bit rapey’ as she can’t give her consent but as her safety mechanism cuts in to stop him in his tracks we think that’s probably a no from her.
In an effort to forget his unrequited love, Thor throws himself into the arms of the prostitutes of the brothel whilst unbeknownst to him, Galaxina watches from the ship and you begin to feel that she actually longs for some kind of intimacy with Thor but it’s ultimately forbidden.
It would be remiss of us at this point if we didn’t at least mention some of the other cast members that just seem to be doing whatever the hell they want. There’s Captain Cornelius Butt who is completely bonkers and throughout his ‘Space log’ he continually moans about the crew and how much he hates the job. He looks like a disheveled Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the whole sub-plot that revolves around him seems ripped directly from Alien with him giving birth to some rubberized creature that scuttles away only to reappear at the end screaming Mummy.
Then there’s Buzz, who’s dressed like he’s just walked off the set of Broke Back Mountain and been thrust into space. He’s only interested in putting the siren and lights on the spaceship but as everyone repeatedly points out to him, in space no-one can hear the siren.
Down in the engine room we also have Maurice, who looks like a winged version of Tuvok (ST:Voyager) but without the skill, and Sam Wo, a random old age Chinese man who just spouts proverbs for no reason. Neither of these two contribute in anyway towards the plot and were probably placed in the script as a means of siphoning off money from the budget.
And that brings us nicely onto the budget. With an estimated budget of approx. $5.5m its hard to figure out where the money went. The special effects are more in the realm of Gerry Anderson than Star Wars/Star Trek and the stars are all unknowns with the exception of Galaxina who is played admirably by Dororthy Stratten, former playboy bunny and who sadly was murdered shortly after this was filmed.
Dorothy makes a good fist of trying to make you interested in her character and considering she doesn’t learn to speak until quite near the end, she should be applauded for the effort. Her resigned affection for Thor whilst he whores himself about is admirable but totally pointless for when the crew had departed for their mission and have been stuck in cryofreeze, she somehow learns to speak. I suppose in 27 years it’s possible to watch enough crap tv that you are bound to pick something up. It does beggar the question however where did she get the vocal chords/voice box from? Surely she wasn’t built with it in but not turned on?
… and I want you to show me…”
Later on, we find out that she can be upgraded from a catalogue so she’s a ‘fully functioning robot’ that Sgt. Rapey, sorry I mean Thor, can not only have sex with, but can also have children with. How does Galaxina know there’s all these extra parts she can have? Has she secretly been ordering parts from a Kays catalogue that caught up with her and delivered the parts? Is this how she got her voice?
If that’s the case perhaps the delivery company should have been sent to collect the blue star (cue fanfare) as they are clearly better equipped than the intergalactic police force?
And then there’s the fanfare. Absolutely no idea why there’s an angelic fanfare whenever the phrase ‘blue star’ (cue fanfare) is mentioned. Even the stars look bemused when it happens and especially the one time it doesn’t happen.
Overall the film is trying to be an early version of Spaceballs (1987). It doesn’t work very well as the story is just too incoherent and the script is just too piss poor but there is a charm to it that if you take it all with a pinch of salt will leave you with a smile on your face.
Like the phoenix from the flames earlier this year it was announced that Galaxina may be rebooted as a TV series. With better scripts and actors it may just work and we truly hope that Galaxina gets her day in the sun.
Overall not the best film, but one that has distinct charm of it’s own.
