Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)
When someone tells you there is a film you have to watch it is
often with a sense of trepidation that you look it up; after all, one man’s “The Room” is another man’s “Greasy Strangler”. So when we were told we needed to watch Hard Ticket to Hawaii we can be forgiven for shrugging our shoulders and putting it on the back burner for a while. That was a mistake, buy the damn film and watch it. We finally did and so should you!
According to IMDB’s summary of the film, In Molokai, two undercover drug enforcement agents are after a vicious drug kingpin, but on the way, they will also have to deal with a contaminated giant python. Add to this that the two undercover agents were 80’s playboy bunnies and this film and its giant infected python have Plopcorn written all over them.
The film starts out introducing us to our pair of heroines, and their pair of norks (from here on in we will count the tits-out experience in the standard measurement of “Norks out”). All well and good as a chiseled looking guy obviously chosen for his chin rather than his acting ability ‘wrestles’ with Donna on the Malibu Express a yacht. Norks Out Count: 1.
So on to the plot, when two local drug enforcement agents accidently stumble onto a drug shipment and are killed Donna and Taryn (our two ‘stars’) go undercover at a shipping company to find out what’s happening. A shipping company that is clearly there for one reason and one reason only, the way to introduce the killer snake and provide us with serpent shenanigans – enter the giant, aggressive and toxic giant python stage left. And let us tell you, when it comes to prosthetics and horrible monsters we have seen some pretty good ones over the years, check out the shocking special effects in Elf for number one spot in our list of shit monsters. It’s fair to say the snake in Hard Ticket is a close second as it literally looks like sock puppet and would be more at home on Sesame Street – it’s laughably piss poor.
Oh, and did we say toxic, Yup we did! Now when you think of all the things this snake could be contaminated with like radiation, poison, toxic waste or nanites (yes such a thing is possible and if you ever get a chance to watch Robocroc we recommend it) I’m pretty sure somewhere near the bottom of the list you’d have cancer. That’s right we said cancer, that deadly transmittable disease known to drive its victims into a homicidal rage.
So the snake has cancer? That’s horrible, that poor snake! Fear not kids, the snake does not have cancer. It’s the rats that have the cancer. What rats? Why the rats that have been fed to the snake of course, because having cancer is not bad enough they have then been fed to the snake. It’s eating rats with cancer that have infected our unnecessary monster .
Now, bearing in mind that our understanding of cancer in the 80’s was not what it is today I am still pretty sure growing up we don’t recall being told “don’t bite or eat people or things with cancer or you’ll go mad”. Look out for quicksand and watch out for dogs with Rabies, yes, insanity from biting cancer victims, not so much.
(Gratuitous charity plug alert: Cancer sucks balls, help kick cancer in the Norks by donating some cash here:
https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/)
Sorry, we should get back to the plot. So our two ladies are seen head off to the airport to transport their next lot of cargo to Molokai. They take a honeymoon couple to the island along with a crate, due to some labeling mishaps contains the evil python. Norks Out Count: 2
Once they’ve landed and dropped off the honeymooners they get buzzed by a remote control helicopter which is smuggling packages onto the island from the drug lord, Mr. Chang; who has the most aristocratic English accent you have ever heard. Mr. Chang is played by Peter Bromilow whom you will recognize but only because he’s had bit parts in lots of different films and TV shows over the years and none of which have ever been of any note.
Once the girls see the diamonds they are attacked by the goons of Mr. Chang who are obviously there to collect the helicopter. Thankfully the girls are part ninja so with the aid of a shuriken and some nun-chucks they make their escape back to the plane and up into the skies. Once home the girls need to take stock and think seriously about what happened to them and also determine what is in the little bag they picked up . Clearly the best option for this kind of thinking is done in a Jacuzzi, so it’s tops off, tits out and time for a soak and a think. It’s how we all do our best thinking I’m sure! Norks Out Count: 3
We are then introduced to the island crime lord, one Seth Romero who is obviously disappointed that his two goons didn’t manage to get the package and sends some henchmen, well one henchman and one henchwoman, off to go and sort out the problem. Back in the Jacuzzi (Norks out count 4 or does this still count as 3?) Taryn and Donna do some serious thinking for about 20 seconds when they realise the mysterious package contains diamonds and they may be out of their depth.
What then follows is an attack on the girls as they are tracked back to their house by Seth’s girlfriend and her accomplice. A terribly choreographed fight then takes place with the cancerous snake’s crate being destroyed and us seeing that Seth is terrified of snakes. The girls, because they are really badass, chase after the baddies and shoot Seth in the face just before he wheel squeals away. The snake escapes to the sewers.
Meanwhile we are introduced to Donna’s boyfriend and his partner, both of whom are DEA agents. Enter Rowdy (Miami Vice extra ) and Jade (Budget Steven Segal) stage right, who are on their yacht practicing their ‘best’ Ken and Ryu moves with their own vocalised sound effects. They receive a secret message from the DEA covertly delivered by a sushi delivery guy, who drops off a sandwich (Seriously dude, stick to your cover story!). Once read the message self-destructs in true Inspector Gadget style. We know these guys must be top bollock agents now right? You seriously can’t make this stuff up!
Back to the girls who head directly to the restaurant to meet up with their friend Charlotte who deals with The Agency so they can get a message to Rowdy. With Rowdy and Jade on route to save the day we discover Seth has a spy in the restaurant and this leads to Charlotte being kidnapped, but not before she changes her top (Norks Out Count 5?, wait 4?) and tortured by an impressive looking she-hulk baddy, who does not get her norks out.
The rest of the film follows pretty standard fare as the snake feeds, the baddies try to get the diamonds back and Mr Miami Vice, Budget Steven Segal and the Nork Twins seek to rescue Charlotte. Of course all of this is accompanied by Norks Out (we started to lose count and have given up).
This all culminates in an assault on Seth’s house to recue Charlotte and kill Seth, where the tactic of making lots of noise is seen as a preference to the element of surprise! Enter a microlight dropping noise grenades (yes, all bang and no discernable damage) stage centre. Charlotte is rescued from Seth’s evil clutches and everyone promptly forgets to kill Seth and the she-hulk baddy never making an appearance again, nor does Mr Chang, remember him?
This film is so close to being the perfect plopcorn 10. In particular you can see this in two brilliantly bad scenes that deserve cult status, in a film littered with brilliantly bad scenes that deserve cult states. The first one involves a skateboarding assassin with a blow up doll and the second features in the attack on the bad guy’s hideout and the infamous Frisbee scene. We don’t want to spoil of these for you so we won’t detail them here but they are available on youtube (links at the bottom if you really want to see them without enjoying the whole film).
However, there was something missing and it took us a while to put our finger on it. It’s cheesy, the acting is terrible, there’s a really bad monster, and there are norks (final Nork Count: 11 – we’re back in the game!). It has you laughing at some of the really bad stunts, the cheesy characters and the plot is just mental. It just however lacks that one thing, it’s just not quotable.
When you look at some of the classic bad movies out there, there’s always a line that everyone repeats at the end of the film. For example, in The Room, it’s something as simple as “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa” or “Oh hi Mark”. Even in such cult classics as They Live, there’s “I came to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of bubble gum” which when you say it, it takes you back to that film and when you saw it or it starts the camaraderie between your mates as you start to out-quote each other, but there’s none of that here. The dialogue, while hilarious, is epically poor and unmemorable , we can’t think of one direct quote from the film!
There’s loads to enjoy here in this film, you really should watch it, you’ll laugh and you’ll want to tell your friends. It’ll also put the director on your radar as it has for us. It’s at this point that we should point out that the director, Andy Sidaris totally references his other movies (like Malibu Express) throughout with no shame whatsoever. We’re looking forward to seeing more of his films if they are up to this quality.
Could we find the elusive perfect Plopcorn film, stay tuned…
