Bula Quo (2013)

Sometimes the best laid plans of mice and men go awry and you just have to grab on by the balls and get to the bitter end.  That’s what happened this month and let me explain why.

Once we’d all arrived at Plopcorn Towers, said our hellos, butchly man-hugged one another it was down to the serious business of deciding what to eat.  The general consensus was Chinese and so without too much fuss we decided on a set menu for the 5 of us and proceeded to place the order… only to find we’d made the first mistake when ordering Chinese food… you can’t have it on a Monday.

This was obviously a bad start but we persevered through and went to our backup choice of Fish and Chips.  Again, we decided to phone the order through to make sure it was all ready for us and minimize the time waiting, but would they answer the phone? Well I think you can probably guess the answer to that.

So off a couple of members drove, ordered the food and came back.  It wasn’t the hottest food we’d eaten but by that time we didn’t care.

And if you think that was where things were bad, think again.

The plan had been all along to watch They Live, starring Rowdy Roddy Piper.  A true B movie, one that some of us had seen before but one that was definitely on the list to watch as a group.  And that’s when Tinhead piped up and said, “Well, I do have this to watch instead?”

A blue covered DVD box was quickly passed around with the shocks and looks that each member gave it showed that there could be no other choice, They live had been relegated to another month.

The movie in question is Bula Quo, Status Quo’s foray into the movie industry and what a film… let that sink in a minute, a film made by and starring Status Quo.  That look on your face right now, that’s the look we had too.

When a films tagline states, ‘It started with guitars…and ended with guns’ you have to wonder what they hell you are getting into.  Rick Parfitt and Francis Rossi are well known for sending themselves up (to be admired) with their ‘Searching for the fourth chord” album and ‘Fourth Chord Records’ but no-one could call them movie or action stars.

It also comes to something when the only quote on the back of the DVD box is from Fireworks Magazine telling us that it’s a comedy action movie.

So, the film finds our two ‘stars’ arriving in Fiji airport with bouncer/bodyguard/tough guy Craig Fairbrass who’s better known for EastEnders, Rise of the foot soldier and other bad ass movies.  Waiting to greet them is Laura Aikman, an intern who’s been hired to keep an eye on the band whilst they are in Fiji.

Needless to say ‘the boys’ walk straight into the arms of the waiting paparazzi who are much more important than some blonde bimbo holding up a piece of paper saying ‘Bula Quo’. Bula incidentally is the greeting that Fijians give when they meet you.  Its literal meaning is life but is used to express they are wishing you happiness and good health. So, happiness and good health Quo!

Anyway, the band are there obviously to perform a couple of gigs as part of their world tour and we are blessed throughout the film with snippets of Francis and Rick playing songs from their back-catalogue and stuff that was written specifically for this film.  After some bizarre waterfall practical joke that would be considered attempted murder in some circles the band play the gig, which does not really have the big arena feel it aims for,  with Rick and Francis belting out Pictures of Matchstick Men for our entertainment before heading off to the after party.

At the after party, our erstwhile rock legends decide to ditch the party and waiting fans and head off to find a bar where they can relax and chill out.  Managing to ditch their management, they find a bar which seems to be closing but has lots of locals heading through a back door.  While trying to avoid their management team Francis and Rick stumble through the back door and upon a game of Russian roulette where a ‘red shirt’ blows his brains out whilst people gamble on the outcome.

What’s odd here is that the guy has to fire until he is dead as it turns out the mafia are selling organs for money, so what exactly are they gambling on?  Also, why play if you’re going to die anyway?  It’s bizarre, yet not as bizarre as the game played by Rick and Francis at the end we should add.  Anyhow, someone blowing their brains out should be a pretty horrific sight but in true Quo form the team turn their heads away as they can’t bear to watch it, though they do record it on their phone – thus maintaining their PG film rating.

What then follows is the Fijian mafia chasing ‘Quo’ around the island trying to get the video back so they don’t get busted by the police or feds.  We have to mention the escape by train and the band using every opportunity they possibly could to play some music, whether it be in a concert or on a ukulele.  There is also an odd scene where the villain places a bomb in Quo’s dressing room, while they watch him, and then he leaves and then they decide to try and escape – it’s tragic.

This ends of course with Caroline captured and the aforementioned worst ever game of Russian roulette between our ‘stars’.  We can’t even tell you why it is so messed up as it would spoil the ‘surprise’, and by surprise we mean “uncomprehendable direction decision” that makes this the most unique game of Russian roulette ever.

When you finish Bula Quo you will be left asking “why”, like “why did this happen” or “why didn’t they do that?” but most of all “why did anyone make this movie?”  Our best guess is it was a tax write off for the band.  They spent £3m on a movie where they’ve had a nice holiday, got to write and play some songs, played some gigs and basically faffed about.  The bonus ball is they got to release a new album, though if you’re not a Quo fan this is far from a bonus.

OK, the film does have a few laughs and puts Rick and Francis in some funny situations, but it just plays too safe all the time.  They could have camped it up and made it slapstick or beefed it up and made it more adult but they can’t quite commit either way and you’re left with a bizarre mix of film that is too middle of the road.  The threat to the boys seems to be so comical at times and with Jon Lovitz as the bad guy it doesn’t really make this anything more than a fan/family friendly outing.  There’s probably more threat to the protagonists in Beethoven’s second.

We’ve scored this a as it’s pretty bad to watch.  Terrible acting, Terrible story but too middle of the road.

Let us know what you think?