Chupacabra
Originally reviewed 27th June 2014
–++– Chupacabra Review: –++– by Kevin Maude
Before we start Plopcorn would like to present an open letter to the lead actor in Chupacabra, Erik Estrada.
Dear Erik,
You were a childhood hero. You were Officer Frank Poncherello and, alongside your partner Larry Wilcox, you were part of the California highway patrol ‘CHiPs!’. In 1979 you were voted one of the top 10 sexiest bachelors in the world, admittedly a list which would make interesting reading today no doubt. As children we would see you arrest the bad guys was my Sunday afternoon sorted. We looked up to you , we wanted to be you (though the homoerotic overtones of CHiPs was lost on us ). So why would a man held in such high regard choose to star in this film? How much money must you owe to think this was a good idea? Why damn you! WHY?
Plopcorn
Now onto the review
The story is based on the Mexican monster legend Chupacabra, which translates as ‘Goat Sucker’; oddly appropriate as this film sucks something. Eric is cast as Carlos Seguin a troubled DEA agent who lost his wife a few years before. Poor Eric also has a gangster son and an angry resentful teenage daughter to contest with (who, let’s face it, are gonna have a run in with the monster but I’m getting ahead of myself). The film takes place on the anniversary of his wife’s death, which also happens to be ‘cinco de mayo’ the Mexican celebration day of a victory over the French in some battle (or surrender as the Cheese eaters call it) but more importantly his day off. What are the odds of that?!
The film sees “Carlos” take charge of the investigation and with his new partner Tracy Taylor, who he is forced to work with, and he does like it one bit (another familiar story). Carlos’s preferred mode of transport is a big motorbike with the words ‘remember the Alamo’ painted on it (something that after this film you will be trying to forget not remember!). Now, seeing Erik Estrada ridding motorbikes is as natural as seeing a fish swim through the water. However, much like fish covered in batter and wrapped in paper Eric’s bike riding is wrong and against the laws of nature – that’s because it has all been done with CGI! Really bad CGI. Now, if ever there was an actor that could ride a freaking bike it should be Eric Estrada. Instead he is sitting in front of a green screen with scenery moving past and a big hair dryer blowing his face. What happened? Has Eric been done for drunk driving or popped a hip out or something?
After an initial investigation are Carlos and Tracy taking a Chupacabra to the world’s weirdest medical examiner, who has a suspicious amount of blood on his coat. The farce continues as Carlos is allowed to run down his own son, bring him in for questioning and then, as his son is about to reveal something really important, get distracted and let him go. Next thing you know these Chupacabra are everywhere and start to go around attacking everyone. They maul group of teenagers having a party in a park, which Carlos’s daughter is attending (oh the bad luck!). This attack includes a young chap getting his old chap chewed off and another attacked and thrown through the goal post uprights – “it’s good!” (How a 40kg animal can throw a 75kg person 20ft in the air is not to be considered – the laws of physics, along with the laws of common sense are not allowed to trespass into this movie). After rescuing his daughter from the most a particularly inept Chupacabra Carlos realises that the city is facing certain doom.
Alas, Carlos fears waiting for the army to turn up with their weapons and proper tactics is too much of a risk. Instead he opts for the idea of forming a force made up of his son’s gangster crew and some of the SWAT Team who have blagged that they are all on a day off. This group of misfits go to the creatures lair with the well thought through plan of “taking ‘em all on”. Unsurprisingly they fail epically and most of them are killed by shonkey looking dogs. Forced to retreat the survivors then make their last stand at the Alamo, sigh. This begs the question, “was this film part funded by the Texas state tourist board?” because we get a lot of shots of this place plus some history lessons and even a trip to the gift shop. Trapped and with nowhere to run the survivors now need to escape and lucky for them there is a legend of a secret tunnel that has been hidden for 100 years, which no one has been able to discover. This actually turned out to be hidden behind a locked door and it had water pipes and a manhole cover (so found by no one other than the plumber then).
Chupacabra, more like Chupacrapper 
